There he was, standing before the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra wearing nothing but a bow tie and polished Brogue shoes, trying desperately to conduct proceedings. Matters were a little complicated given that the assembled ensemble were composed of row after row of former FHM cover girls, and our maestro had only his manhood  instead of the usual baton. (One assumes they moved the orchestra a little further back that night)

And as he stood there, waving it frantically at May 1997 with her legs wrapped round a large ebony coloured oboe and Miss June 98 with the large cymbals, the Mont felt a sense of powerlessness akin only to that humbling experience of trying out a new console offering.  Innate knowledge tells you what to do, but the objects in front of you just don’t seem to respond in the way that you want them to. It’s as though, the more frantic your actions, gestures and shouts become, the less control you have over the characters in front of you. 

Okay, Okay, so you can fiddle around in the options menu and reconfigure button commands etcetera, etcetera... But that just feels like playing Mozart by putting colours and numbers on the piano keys.  

Is it time for a European standard? Frags must be controlled by the RT; Reload must always be the X button... No. If there’s one area that the technocrats should keep out of, it is surely the innovation and development of the games industry. 

As frustrating as it might be to struggle to control all in front of you as you learn new skills, you can at least enjoy the visual excitement of the setting and the characters, just as Monty tempered his own difficulties by admiring  Miss January 2000 and her deft fingering of an oversized harp.